itsachat Writers Ave

Jake

Let me tell ou all aBout one of the craziest pets I have ever had…..Probably 20+ years ago late night a couple of friends had just left my house. We had been out in their pickup truck mudriding, drinkin, havin a good ole redneck time. They hadn’t been gone maybe 3 minutes and they pulled back up to a screeching hault, blowing the horn. We run outside thinking something is wrong and Jerry(friend1)jumps out doing a big ole redneck whoop and Angela(friend2) piles out right behind him giggling and calling me to come look.
When i walked up to the bed of the truck i was just quiet, looking at how sweet it looked. A baby raccoon! Two of them actually, were caught in a big ole dip net and boy were they doin some crying and screeching. lol
They explained that the mother had been ran over out on the highway and the two babies were just standing there waiting for her to wake up……(insert awwwww here and maybe a tear)
They were so wild and did not want any part of humans, i was afraid to touch them. My dad told me to pick the one i wanted so i pointed him out and my dad went to his truck and got his old propane gloves and just swooped down and picked the wirey little dude up like it was nothin. Oh what a racket the baby coon made!!! But my dad held him tight and just soothingly tlked to him and held him for what seemed like forever and then it seemed to calm down and realize he wouldn’t hurt him so it got to where it would lick him, play with him, just like he had always been there and this was only after a few short hours.He had taked his gloves off and everything was fine, he was tamed and ready to play.
He handed him to me and OMG at the wittle bitty baby coon footsies an toesies, and omg its so soft and look at his little mask and ohhhh did i say it was soft? I am in loveeeeeee with~~~~~ JAKE! Yep, Jake, thats what my Pops named him. lol
He was all over everything pawing it, touching it, feelin it out. He was so tiny tho that he wouldnt eat, they only knew how to suck. No problem, I’m the mama now i will just run into town and get supplies for my new baby! Oh, itsa BOY by the way hehe
I go and i go all out for this little trip for milk and a bottle!I bought milk, bottles, feeders,baby cereal, baby food,and cream of chicken soup. I so overdid it.
When i get back home and i’m walkn in the front door i hear this awful sound that i have never heard before. It was coming from the room where i had put Jake in a big box to keep him in till i got back home.It was so odd i had no idea WTH it was. The whole box seemed to be shivering and the sound was LOUD and it was sorta like when the sink is full of water and it is draining and it catches air for a good second or two. I run over to the box to see what is happening to my sweet new baby Jake and there the little nasty bastard is curled into a fetal position sucking his own little dick like it was a pacifier!!Can ya believe that???
This was the beginning of our very strange relationship with our pet coon. Jake turned out to be soo much fun but he was a dirty little bastard to the core! As he got older he still continued to suck his own dick where and whenever he seen fit, and that was not a good thing, because it was summertime, we put a collar and a leash on him and took him about everywhere we went.He loved to go to the creek and play in the sand and swim,but if I swam out in the deep water he cried for me and would swim out there and stand on my head until i came back to shallow water lol
We went to the park once and he climbed the tallest dang tree there and met another coon. I was so worried they would fight or he would run off with it, but he refused to come down until he seen me get in the car and then he came streaking to the car crying like a baby. He used to have the run of the house until Myself and some of the other girls that hung around noticd him coming into the bathroom when we showered and he would sit in the corner and rub himself like a dirty old man and watch us shower! >< He had such a look on his face……you would swear he knew what he was doing! Huzzz
Anywho….A pet coon isnt for everybody, or anybody i really have to say. He drank MD20/20 once and boy what a hot mess he was lol They are silly and they are fun, but they are very strong and they play too hard. I wound up letting Jake go out back here behind the house and he still comes to visit us now and then, but i dont think i will try and pet him anymore. I always know its him from the bare spot on his right ear. lol It's from the great toothpaste episode..don't ask hahaha

My great grandfather used to tell us this story when we were kids and it always made me afraid to be at their old house place. He said when he was a small child and he and his other 7 siblings were out in the fields helping with the family farm, his Mama would be at home tending to the housework and always made them lunch at the same time.
They lived in an old shotgun type house that was up on concrete blocks. roomy enough for kids to climb under and play there but by now mostly covered to block wind and cold air.It was many generations old.
His Mama was at the sink, knowing she was home alone, preparing lunch when se heard the sweetest little voice of a little girl calling out ,”Mama?” and she felt a tug on the side of her dress like she wanted to be picked up.
A bit unsure who it was or where they come from , Mama just looked down to see which one of her babies it was and when she looked down there was no one there. She stopped peeling her veggies and was drying her hands on her apron while looking all around the kitchen and there it says it again”Mama??” and she could SEE the hand imprint of something tugging at the hem of her dress! At the exact same time she was seeing this, her oldest son Dan was coming in the door and he was surprised to see Mama there looking down at a baby. Dan could see it but Mama could not. Mama gasp at the invisible baby pulling at her dress and let out a scream. Suddenly the house was filled with a loud babies cries and Dan watched as the baby just faded into the wooden floor . Both not knowing what to say listened as the babies cries came from underneath the old house now but seemed to move around.The crying stopped as his Papa and the whole family came walking in for lunch.Mama was so disturbed by it she sent them all under the house looking for a baby. Dan was the lst one out from under the house and he had something in his hand. He walked over to mama and told her that was all that he could find……a small little baby rattler from years gone by.

Ever have one of those babysitting gigs that you will NEVER forget? lol oh boy do I ever!……

As the day began it was a most HOT summer day and it was friday, yay! So despite i kept these twins from the tenth lair of hell all week, and my own son, ,y girlfriend had two kids too and we were all piled into my Dads big ole luxury/gas guzzler van to have seatbelts for all the wee angels(rolls eyes) because my girlfriend, Tara, was on a mission to get rid of her two kids for the weekend, so we strike out to the next town ,maybe 30 min away, to her aunts house.
Two women, five kids, big van…….already lookin like we were straight from redneck central! The air quits on us so down with the windows and not a scrunchie in sight both of our hair looked like a cave woman by the tme we got there. But we had the radio up and sang along with the kids on oour way up there and was having a grand ole time. Stopped by a little gas station and refueld, got all the kids some drinks and snacks and got back on the road. Just before getting to our destination we asked them all if we needed to stop for a bathroom break and it was universal. NOoooooooo!OK so we are good!
We arrive at Taras aunts house and we had previously decided only she and her two girls were getting out so it would be easier for her to leave them there and get out faster. It was afterall the weekend people!
I’m sitting in my van with my son and the twins. It is sweltering hot and they are becoming whiney and wanting to go now.I try my best to calm them and underneath i am thinkin come the hell on Tara!!
I reach to turn the radio on and i get the hint of a fowl smell in the air……
I thought and said, “Jordy…….Have you lost your manners son?” He was like , “no mama i didn’t fart!” lol
The other two still sat silent ( the same age as him btw)
a second later the smell seemed to be stronger! I turned around in my seat and asked Jordan if he needed to use the restroom. He had this priceless confused look on his face as he was looking in the very back seat where Lana was seated. He said “No mam, but your sure not gonna like this…………..”
I knew this was bad, i could feel it in my bones! As i turned to see exactly what he seen, the most god awful pungent smell seemed to attack my face like a fucking wild killer octopus wrapped around my head trying to choke me!
Lana had taken herself a big nice wicked shit in her panties and I’m guessing she wanted to hide it so she dug it out with her hands and was putting it in the drink holders and even dispensed some into her brothers pockets! Must have ben a hard job because there was evidence that she wiped her brow a time or two also.I was so freaked tha fuck out!
The smell would gag a maggot on a gut wagon i tell ya!
The entire couh and back of the van was just fucking shit painted! I’m gagging hanging my head out the window, Jordan is puking everywhere, Lana and her twin brother are gagging. I’m blowin the horn for Tara, she opens the door and instantly says FUCK and drops to her knees to puke! (and we are 30 fuckin good minutes from home!)
as if that isn’t bad enough, now she says we have to run up town to KFC for her aunt and the kids and we needed to bring some back home too cuz my cousin had called!! lol kill me now!
I have never been so shamed before in my life! When we pull in…..unfuckingbelievable! drive thru only, remodeling inside!OKAYyyyyy you asked for it! I order and then pull up to the window smiling. I know these people smelled nothin but shit when they opened their little window and the air caught it lol. They thought i shit myself some kinda bad hahaha, but they continued to smile.
All the way home i wanted to take her to a carwash i swear. i covered her with a blanket and dared her to move between gagging and giggling, Tara convinced me to let her live, but it was defo the hose for the girl when we got home!
and the end of me liking other peoples kids! lol

After two days in the ‘hole’, ‘rubber room’, whatever u wanna call it, I prefer hell! We were sent back to general population with all the lovely ladies of Hopkins county. Gina and I were put in a room together and locked off from population once again,but the others could walk the halls and peer in and talk to us. BUT we did have 1 bed (a hard slab sticking out of the wall)2 mats which smelled like ass and cigars! A toilet, a sink, and a gimpy shower. We didn’t have bars, we had a solid door and walls with a tray hole.
For the first two hours we constantly seen pair after pair of eyeballs staring at the fresh meat! “What you need? I can get it for you!!” They would say. I needed the fuck outta there! They couldn’t swing that one though!
Gina was still a sqawlin’ ass idiot who i was already to hang by any means possible just to shut her the fuck up!
Reality was about to set in for me I guess. I had been in a daze. In the rubber room for 2 days,and now for 2 days in this room where u know we couldn’t get out and go to the day room and hang out with the other girls, not that I wanted to, but hell…….U know on occasion a couple of girls would stop by the tray hole and say hi and say here is a few smokes i know this is hard on you. Our light bulb had blown the first day there and they just left us in our cell for two days in the dark. We were given 3 meals a day and they were eaten best in the dark, believe me! unsweet tea was always served in these tall plastic glasses that would not fit thru the tray hole. It took poor Gina forevah to figure out to put your hand on top of it and turn it sideways to get it in. lmaoooo it was very entertaining to watch!
I wondered what had become of our friend Jim and a girl named Jackie was on work duty there and said she would ask around about him. Later on that day she returned with a note from him saying he was still there and plus about a million I AM SO SORRY written all over it. He said he had called his brother and he was trying to come up with some money to get us all out……Our bond was set at TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS EACH!!!
I had called My cousin Marie and told her to get money from somebody at the juke, but DO NOT CALL MY DADDY!
Well i get a note from the guards that says call this number it is urgent. It was my home phone number……………….my heart sank, it was my Dad and I knew it……………………………………..I could have thought of a million and one ways of torture I would have gladly endured to keep from having to call him and hear the sound of his broken disappointed heart voice. I was SO ashamed of myself he was the ONE I did care what he thought. That walk to the phone and I could hear my heart pounding and it was so hard to breath. Tears streamed down my face as i dialed the number and I don’t think I even said my name when the recording asked for it, I just sobbed.
In an instant he said “hello?”and i fell to pieces right there. He was patient and gave me time to get it together a little bit and he said “Baby I love you and don’t EVER think you have gone too far and you can’t call me, I will always be here for you!”
OMG did I ugly cry for real! He got nothing else outta me for the entire call because i was just a blubbering retard sounding fool.
MY Daddy loved me and I felt SOOOOOOOOoo unworthy!…………………………………………………

Part 3: Long Way From Home

So there I am, laid over the back of the police car. A gun pointed at me and the demeanor of the little officer had went from suspicion to KILL!!! (or i thought so) Gina was layed out on the ground and Jim was laid on the other side of the car on the trunk too.
I can clearly remember my life up to that point flashing before me, I was dead and I just knew it. The officer steady told Gina and I if we moved one little bit he would not hesitate to shoot us, just because we were women, he did not give a damn! lol (there goes the trynna flirt my way outta that one!)
After all three of his suspects had been secured and he felt safe, he lined us up and sat us down on the ground up against the side of our car and put his gun back on his side while he radioed someone to come meet him there to transport female prisoners. PRISONERS *looks around* WHERE? OMFG he means ME!!! I am a ‘prisoner’ *cries*.
Well in what seemed to be an instant, A mini parade of flashing blue lights came flashing down the interstate and surrounded us like something out of a bank robbery in process movie you see on TV.
I can clearly remember that moment but the rest of the ride to the county Jailhouse was hazy. I know we were all 3 transported in different cars and when we got there we were booked and that took for ever. We were lined up against a wall, searched thoroughly again and then given these stinkin ass scratchy orange jumpsuits. Gina and I were escorted to a large storage room with a large female officer where we had to strip down to nothing and then they weren’t happy until we had been stripped of even our dignity by having to bend over and touch our toes while she shined a flash light on our asses and inspected it too fuckin close! Then we had to open our legs wide and squat down and cough 3 times while this bitch squats and shines a light on your pussy! I mean, KILL ME NOW! Any distinctive birthmarks , moles, tattoos were all photographed, and put in your file. Shoes were taken away and they gave us some buddy ass slip on shoes that were full of fungus I AM SURE!
Gina is a belligerent fucking idiot by now! I have to break it down to her right then and there, I am ALREADY in jail, what else can they do to me??? If you don’t shut the fuck up I WILL KILL YOU!
Well that was the last time i was able to see Jim, he was sent on back to the mens part of the Jail and put in the general population because he had a record of being on jail before, somethin simple DUI or somethin like that. Gina and I on the other hand were taken to the padded room for 2 days with nothing but a hole in the center of the GD floor about the size of a freakin grapefruit to piss in. Yes a hole! no toilet, a HOLE IN THE FLOOR! Toilet paper? Nope, I guess crazy folks have shown toilet paper to be a danger in the rubber room…………………….

REDNECK METH CHRONICLES
CHAPTER 2:Superbowl Sunday

I start coming to and i feel like every muscle in my body aches. I, still being mostly asleep and my eyes refusing to just pop open, realize that I am hurting all over and I am laying on what felt like the cold hard floor.A million and one WHAT THA HELLs are going on in my mind in a flash and I am instantly overtaken by the smell of urine and bad B.O.
I suddenly notice that what ever I am wearing is stiff and rough against my skin and smelled of lysol and dirty mop water. I began to stretch my body out and try to open my eyes. The shooting pain than ran through my brain as the memories of where i was suddenly flooded in……….I WAS IN FUCKING JAIL! Not just any Jail, but I was in jail in Sulpher Springs, Texas! A mighty long damn way from home!
I slowly raised myself off the floor as i began to remember how I came to be wearing this bright orange jumpsuit, and what fucking day was it? What time was it? I had NO windows, and wait a minute, It is dark in here and why am I on the floor? I start feeling around and I cant find a bed, toilet, sink, nothing! When i trip over something in the floor and land on my knees(just now realizing that I am in the GD rubber room!!) and I am not alone, I just tripped over SOMEBODY!
I can hear a womans voice moan and then began coughing and i realize i know her, it is Gina. She calls out to me and OMG like a ton of bricks I remember everything! She begins crying and screaming for me in the dark like a small child and I am trying to let my mind register what is happening to me and she is frantic. I remember they put us in the padded cell for suicide watch for the first 48 hours because whe had no previous record of time served.
There was someone else, Jim. Where the hell was Jimmy Lee?

We were all 3 arrested while on our way back from a ‘friends’ of his house in Dallas, where we purchased a half an ounce of cocaine for $200. Was a sweet lil deal, nothin this good nowhere back home in Mississippi around the little Joke we pratically lived at.
Meth was our thing, and that was exactly what we went all the way to Dallas for the Superbowl weekend for. We could swoop in pick it up and then be back home in time to PARTY!
Well, the meth connection was lost by the time we rolled into town, but they assured us that we would not leave Texas empty handed. LOL
And how true that was. We had coke, we were all Geeked up and headed home without even a nap or shower. MISSISSIPPI JUKE BOUND!
I drove all the way to Dallas so Jim said he would drive back most the way and Gina could drive some too if she felt like it. (Gina was a lil spazzy) I climbed in the back seat of the little Mercury Topaz and stretched out so I could have me a lil rest on the way home. The coke was some really good shit, and I didn’t really like it because it always mad me feel like my throat was numb and i thought i couldn’t breath. So after just one line, i didn’t want anymore, i wanted to sleep until we got home at least.
I was sleepin so, so. As best someone coming down off of cocaine could when i felt the car slowing down and Gina was screaming “OMG what do we do?” I was a bit confused when Jim said, “Just be kool Gina! You can’t just freak out as soon as they stop us!”
I sit up in the back seat and I hear the officer talkin to Jim as he had him at the back of the car asking about our ‘trip’ and as to where we went, why, when we left mississippi and why so quick, and on and on.
Gina was in the front seat shaking he legs making the whole GD car shake. That was the moment I KNEW! There was no doubt what was about to go down, so it all went by in a flash from there. The officer came and pecked on her window and she got out, he asked her to step back in and to just calm down(fuckin bitch!). He was shining the light all over the car and he seen her try and stuff Jims Jacket behind the seat and he asked, “You wanna hand me that jacket mam?”
Straight to the pocket to pull out the huge bag of ‘cotton candy!!!’
He draws his gun, tells us “OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!!” “DO NOT MOVE OR I WILL SHOOT YOU!”
OMFG how did I get here?………………………………………..