itsachat Writers Ave

Well I promised Christie that I would tell in full detail these events of this one day that I had as a youngster. I am guessing I was probably around 6 or 7 years old when this happened, but I cant really be sure because that was so long ago. I was most likely in grade 1 or grade 2. Anyway, I was one of those kids who were moved around a lot due to the fact that my parents moved around a lot and I lived with them. I’d like to imagine that my dad was in the military and was constantly being re-stationed to different parts of the city and that’s the story that my sister and I invented for when we had to “switch schools again.” My sister is almost 2 years older than me so we hung around a lot.

So this one time, it was new school time once again and my sister and I were told to get on this school bus and it would take us to our new school. We were gonna love it! (so our mother said.) We knew we weren’t, because at this point we had already figured out that as soon as we were accepted and had made some friends at our new school, we’d be moving again, and moving schools. We were the perpetual new kids at school. You know those ones. The ones who you only saw for like a month or two, and they had lunches that consisted of things like.. a mayonnaise sammich and a cup of koolaid and no snack. Well that was us. SO here we are, shuffled onto a bus and sent off to yet another new school. Our mother had bought us new Walt Disney knockoff plastic lunchboxes with matching thermos; the kind that isn’t really a thermos but more of a container because it didn’t keep anything hot or cold. What ever was in there went to room temp as soon as time allowed.

We get to this school and the first thing we noticed was that the school seemed farther away then we’d ever imagined it would be. I remember asking my sister when we finally arrived. Are you sure this is our new school? I think I might have known what the name of our new school was, and also that it didn’t match the name on the outside of this school that took us an extremely long time to get to. My sister just shrugged, and said, let’s get on with it. Inside we went. When we got inside, we were amazed at this school as it was brand spanking new and had one of those giant open areas, all carpeted with new shiny desks. There were snacks set out and in different areas of the room was the greatest art section I had ever seen. There was a pet section and a science section. It was unbelievable. We knew then we were in the wrong school because there was no way we would be going to this fancy school. But rather than say anything, we just went and found a desk and sat down. When the teacher called the roll call, and they didn’t call our names I looked at my sis and she gave me that shhh don’t say nuffin signal. I guess she wanted to enjoy the plushness of the place and so did I, so we spent the morning at this strange school.

When lunch time rolled around, we got to eat our lunches at our little carpeted desk area and when I opened my lunch box, I seen that my sugar and butter sandwich (my fav kind at the time) was drenched in the warm room temperature milk that had spilled out of my thermos. My sister’s thermos didn’t bunk out and her stuff was dry, but she wasn’t offering to share any with me. I sat there and stared at my wet sammich, starving in this strange place and started to cry. The teacher came over and quite rudely asked me what I was crying about, and I pointed to my wet sammich laying inside my cheap knockoff lunch box and told her my sammich was ruined by the milk. This teacher told me that it didn’t matter, it all went to the same place and I better eat it or I would get the strap. The strap? They beat kids at the new rich school? I looked at my sister who was watching now like a hawk. She was always very protective of me. So I tell the teacher shyly, no, I won’t eat anything that’s okay. At this point, my sister now butts in and says. I’ll share mine with her its okay. The teacher wasn’t having any of that and she said. No you won’t share. She can eat this sammich there is nothing wrong with it. She picked the sammich up out of my lunchbox and tried to shove it in my face. I jumped back out of my desk chair knocking it over onto the plush carpet where it didn’t make a sound and yelled NO IM NOT EATING IT! And all 20 sets of rich kid’s eyeballs turned to stare at us, and the teacher says, YES YOU ARE YOUNG LADY also in a raised voice, and then my sister jumped up and yelled. “NO SHE ISNT BITCH, WE DON’T EVEN GO TO THIS FUCKEN SCHOOL!! I swear the teachers face went pitch white and she gasped. She surely realized at this time that we definitely did not go to this school, because most of the kids in that room had never even heard the word bitch or fuck at this time in their gentle lives, and we knew that some how. Then the teacher just looked all stunned and quietly asked us our names. My sister told her and then looked at me and said, pack your stuff up, we’re heading back to the hood. LOL

I never did have to land up eating that wet sammich. =) I love my sister.

Jake

Let me tell ou all aBout one of the craziest pets I have ever had…..Probably 20+ years ago late night a couple of friends had just left my house. We had been out in their pickup truck mudriding, drinkin, havin a good ole redneck time. They hadn’t been gone maybe 3 minutes and they pulled back up to a screeching hault, blowing the horn. We run outside thinking something is wrong and Jerry(friend1)jumps out doing a big ole redneck whoop and Angela(friend2) piles out right behind him giggling and calling me to come look.
When i walked up to the bed of the truck i was just quiet, looking at how sweet it looked. A baby raccoon! Two of them actually, were caught in a big ole dip net and boy were they doin some crying and screeching. lol
They explained that the mother had been ran over out on the highway and the two babies were just standing there waiting for her to wake up……(insert awwwww here and maybe a tear)
They were so wild and did not want any part of humans, i was afraid to touch them. My dad told me to pick the one i wanted so i pointed him out and my dad went to his truck and got his old propane gloves and just swooped down and picked the wirey little dude up like it was nothin. Oh what a racket the baby coon made!!! But my dad held him tight and just soothingly tlked to him and held him for what seemed like forever and then it seemed to calm down and realize he wouldn’t hurt him so it got to where it would lick him, play with him, just like he had always been there and this was only after a few short hours.He had taked his gloves off and everything was fine, he was tamed and ready to play.
He handed him to me and OMG at the wittle bitty baby coon footsies an toesies, and omg its so soft and look at his little mask and ohhhh did i say it was soft? I am in loveeeeeee with~~~~~ JAKE! Yep, Jake, thats what my Pops named him. lol
He was all over everything pawing it, touching it, feelin it out. He was so tiny tho that he wouldnt eat, they only knew how to suck. No problem, I’m the mama now i will just run into town and get supplies for my new baby! Oh, itsa BOY by the way hehe
I go and i go all out for this little trip for milk and a bottle!I bought milk, bottles, feeders,baby cereal, baby food,and cream of chicken soup. I so overdid it.
When i get back home and i’m walkn in the front door i hear this awful sound that i have never heard before. It was coming from the room where i had put Jake in a big box to keep him in till i got back home.It was so odd i had no idea WTH it was. The whole box seemed to be shivering and the sound was LOUD and it was sorta like when the sink is full of water and it is draining and it catches air for a good second or two. I run over to the box to see what is happening to my sweet new baby Jake and there the little nasty bastard is curled into a fetal position sucking his own little dick like it was a pacifier!!Can ya believe that???
This was the beginning of our very strange relationship with our pet coon. Jake turned out to be soo much fun but he was a dirty little bastard to the core! As he got older he still continued to suck his own dick where and whenever he seen fit, and that was not a good thing, because it was summertime, we put a collar and a leash on him and took him about everywhere we went.He loved to go to the creek and play in the sand and swim,but if I swam out in the deep water he cried for me and would swim out there and stand on my head until i came back to shallow water lol
We went to the park once and he climbed the tallest dang tree there and met another coon. I was so worried they would fight or he would run off with it, but he refused to come down until he seen me get in the car and then he came streaking to the car crying like a baby. He used to have the run of the house until Myself and some of the other girls that hung around noticd him coming into the bathroom when we showered and he would sit in the corner and rub himself like a dirty old man and watch us shower! >< He had such a look on his face……you would swear he knew what he was doing! Huzzz
Anywho….A pet coon isnt for everybody, or anybody i really have to say. He drank MD20/20 once and boy what a hot mess he was lol They are silly and they are fun, but they are very strong and they play too hard. I wound up letting Jake go out back here behind the house and he still comes to visit us now and then, but i dont think i will try and pet him anymore. I always know its him from the bare spot on his right ear. lol It's from the great toothpaste episode..don't ask hahaha

This is about TJ…

TJ had been at the nursing home a few years ago…but came back a few months ago after a hospital stay, a stroke, and his wifes realization that if she didnt admit him she’d kill him. After a few strokes and TIA’s coupled with progressing alzheimers and dementia…Tj’s mind and his confusion level had declined. To most ppl outside the nursing home setting this would produce an “awww”, but to those that see them day after day you have to learn to laugh at some stuff or youll end up on the 5th floor somewhere. TJ has been put on different meds the past few months to control outbursts and confusion. On a recent MD visit though the doctor determined he had gout and put him on a few new meds for a few days. One of the side effects of two of the three of these were hallucinations…

Long story short…well kinda…anyway…I get to work one day and see on the report sheet “TJ camels 130am”. I ask the nurse I relieved what it meant and she said she didnt know that Joyce had written it. I already knew that because of the large loopy handwriting. Later that night as Im charting I see Joyce had written this whole spill about TJ and the camel(s). So when she gets to work that night I ask her what the deal was. She said he got in his little electric scooter chair and came to the nurses station and said he lost the company camel. *insert stunned, laugh muffled expressions*

Joyce (who makes nothing better): how the hell did you get a camel in here?!
TJ: Oh its not a big camel…its a little one…you know everyone has them now. Its about the size of a Great Dane.
*insert crippling, tear inducing laughter from the other nurse here*
Other Nurse: Well does it have one hump or two?
TJ: *insert a “you dumbass” look here* Well it only has one of course.
Joyce: A one humped camel the size of a great dane is loose in the nursing home?
TJ: yeah…you dont believe me do you
Joyce: hell yeah i believe you.
TJ: I just dont know what Im gonna do. The turtle is missing too.
Joyce: A turtle and a camel?
TJ: Yeah but the turtle doesn’t move very fast so he shouldnt be hard to find.
Joyce: So it’s just one camel?
TJ: Yeah and its the company camel and if I dont find it Ill have to pay for it out of my own pocket.
Joyce: Well go to sleep maybe it’ll pop up. Maybe the camel ate the turtle and died.
TJ: No I dont think so…but if youre not gonna help me I guess I will go to bed.
*slow rolls back to room

***About a week later***
*rolls up to nurses station with a screeching halt*
Me: Whatcha need TJ
TJ: I cant find the elephants
*insert bad attempt to stifle laughter here*
Me: An elephant?
TJ: No there are 4 of them
*insert loud, cough and vomit inducing laughter here*
Joyce: Whatd he say?
Me: *scream laughing* HE CANT FIND THE ELEPHANTS
TJ: I dont know how they got out. Theyre around here somewhere.
Joyce: What color are they?
TJ: Well theyre grey woman.
Joyce: Ok I just had to make sure they werent pink and fluffy otherwise Id be worried about you.
*me laughing loudly and uncontrollably, crying and coughing*
TJ: Lady are you gonna help me look for em or not. You’re gonna be laughing a different laugh when that elephant comes around the corner.
*me laughing so hard my sides cramp and I get a chest hurting hacking cough*
Joyce: Well yeah im gonna help you look.We dont need no damn elephants running around here.
*Joyce gets up and goes around the corner*
TJ: HURRY HURRY COME LOOK!!
*Joyce goes around edge of nurses station*
TJ: Oh damn you missed it…he hopped back around the corner. (the elephant)
*speeds off in electric chair to go find him with Joyce trailing behind him*
Meanwhile I’m in the med room trying to breathe and not pass out from laughing too hard. Joyce is down the hall searching for pretend elephants. Eventually TJ wears out and goes to bed. But not before I go to his room and check on him and he tells me “You know it’s okay if you laugh at me. Youll be laughing a different laugh when you see what Im talking about. I know whats going to happen.” I say…”ok”.

***About a week ago***
Im walking down the hall and hes coming towards me in his scooter chair…
Me: Hey
TJ: Hey wait. You know we’d all be safer if we stood on our heads.
Me: Ok

Yes this is the same man who threatened to stab me a few weeks ago.

9th grade art class…our teacher is OLD she’s gonna retire in like five minutes so she doesn’t care what we do as long as we don’t get loud and interrupt her while she’s reading her travel brochures…we get an A on everthing we turn in…we suspect she isn’t even reading our reviews of the art films she shows us, so three of us test her by putting random lyrics to songs on our next written assignment….A’s for everybody…we were right!…Now, i’m not an artist, in other words i don’t have artistic vision, i can’t create a masterpiece but i can look at something and draw it……i call this photocopying…most pple have the ability to look at something and draw a pretty good replica of it…in my mind the true artist is the person who has ability PLUS the original concept…the true artist has a vision….so the guy who actually created Batman is an artist, the kid who can draw a good Batman is a photocopier…see what i’m saying? okay that is my opinion and this is my blog about what happened to me when my photocopying skills were matched against some real artists….Flashback to me in HS…RINNNGGGG *me/ stops yacking in the hall and does the run-walk to class* Teacher looks up from a big shiny !!COME BACK TO JAMAICA!! pamphlet and says *christie* you’ll be representing us at the design competition on Friday…..me/ *blink*….looks around room, why me?… teacher says “Based on the original concept posters that you and *Trevor* did for the school play i entered you as resident artist and he will be your alternate…i’m thinking OH SHIT but i do admit that my poster ideas were good and i had several ideas so i let my friend, who was now the alternate, use one of them for his poster so actually both of my ideas were the best in the class *beams* so, okay okay that’s pretty cool i love a pat on the head as much as the next sick puppy …..FAST FORWARD TO FRIDAY… we are taken by short bus to the University Art Center we clang open the double doors and are standing in a long hall…both walls are lined with examples of artwork from the students that are there to represent their schools…alternate and i slowly walk down this hall of art and my heart starts to sink…each art piece seems to be more elaborate more fantastic than the last…i walk slower…slower…cue the music from Ferris Beuller’s Day Off…the scene from the museum where they stand in front of Seraut’s masterwork “Sunday in the Park” and just stare….i am utterly transported with admiration and sickened with dread and envy all at the same time…i see the poster alternate drew, it looks so basic and crude compared to the other students’ work… like a chid’s drawing…i physically cringe when i see my own poster…a head pops out of one of the doors lining the hall and tells us to hurry and take a seat…..i numbly obey….the rest is a bit of a blur…i remember being surrounded by the papery-pencilly sound of people busily creating as i stared blankly at my paper…i remember snapping alternate’s head off in a hissy SHUTUP when he nudged me and asked my why i wasn’t drawing anything….i remember stumbling out of there trying to blend in with a group of several pple so it wouldn’t be so obvious that i wasn’t handing anything in at the front of the room like the others were….i tried not to look at the taunting walls of art as i headed for the short bus…eyes straight ahead…on the ride home my mind runs a slideshow of the art pieces…they are flickering on the front of my brain like one of those dark art noir films i never can grasp the hidden meaning of…alternate is perkily babbling on about how well he thinks he did…i stare out the bus window but i see the hallway walls…he asks me if i feel sick…i don’t answer…but yes i did feel sick…it felt like a sort of nausea of the soul…the next week my art teacher asked me why the university didn’t have an example of my work…i kicked alternate in the leg under the table and said they must have lost it…she nodded and went back to reading about Spain.

Kane Marcum was the kind of internet loser that your mama always warned you about. To call him two faced would be particularly cruel since his actual face is an abomination of nature. He has such bad acne scars as well as active volcanic action zits that it looks like crows have been following him around pecking the skin off his skull. People usually tried to look past his physical misfortunes, trying to be plitically correct, after all beauty is only skin deep, it’s who you are inside that counts right? Unfortunately Kane’s inner ugly was so twisted and malformed it made his face look like Zack Efron’s in comparison. To top off the freak show trollish aspect of Kane’s existance he had a twin, yes an identical twin. People wondered what their parents must have done to anger the gods of fubar when they saw these two nasty looking fuckups standing close together.

Kane often befriended people online who were sadder sicker, and more pathetic and needy than even he was. He did this so he could feel a little better about himself, it was a relief to know he wasn’t quite the most disgusting person online. He met Carissa, his needy emo soulmate online, she had a bunch of kids and cats and a crackhead husband, but surprisingly she left that fantastic life behind to be with Kane. They talked hours and hours every day and arranged to meet face to face. The day she flopped her fat ass down off the greyhound bus he had bought her a ticket on Kane realized the pictures she had sent him of her had been taken about 10 years and 100 pounds earlier. If he hadn’t been the ugliest guy waiting in the crowd he might have had a chance to blend in and sneak away before she spotted him, she had seen pictures of him as well. But since he was by far the most freakish looking thing there that day, besides herself, she spotted him and nearly suffocated him in her saggy tit flesh as she hugged him. Kane immediately started plotting his suicide, of course he would wait until Tuesday though, that would give him time to hump this sea cow looking bitch until his self loathing reached a suicidal level. Yah he figured that was plenty of time since today was Monday.

His name was Andrew and he was the youngest brother in his family of 11. One sister but she mostly looked like all the other brothers so he considered her one of the brothers too. He lived on the edge of a giant lake in the middle of a giant continent in a house that was way too small for the 13 people that lived in it with him. This is why his brothers kept building sheds all a long side the back edge of the left side of the houses huge back yard. Already four of the eldest basically lived in their own sheds. They would decorate them like small forts and he knew better than to ever try to go inside one.

At least he thought he knew better. This one semi-rainy boring day while all the older brothers went out hunting with their dad he had to remain home due to the fact that he had the sniffles and his mother wouldn’t let him go for fear that he might catch the “ammonia.” He was almost a young man himself and so he wasn’t afraid of any ammonia and as soon as his mother went for her afternoon nap (after she finished her flask) he promptly headed out side to explore. He found himself heading straight for the forts. He supposed he was just a bit angry that he couldn’t go hunting so figured he would see if there was anything to hunt here at the edge of the houses yard. It just so happened the forts were also there; strictly a coincidence he re-assured himself.

As he wandered closer to the edge of the yard he noticed it was a little darker than when he had left the house; looking up he realized the clouds had really come in and although it wasn’t pouring rain, those big black darks clouds promised the heavy rains were coming soon. He considered turning back when he heard someone whisper, “Help me Treef.” He thought the sound was coming from behind the first fort. He stopped and tried to listen again, maybe it was just the wind. Standing in the drizzling rain he strained to hear anything and he heard it again, “help me Treef.” The sound was indeed coming from behind the shed and he headed straight for it. “Im coming,” he called as he hurried toward what he thought was a plea for help. When he bounded around the corner, the wind ripping at his coat, he saw a head buried in the mud. It was the head of the doll and its mouth moved and said “help me Treef.” He blinked. What in the bloody hell is this? Dolls don’t talk. Just then the dolls eyes burned like fire, its face moved and melted and glowed and in a loud demonic voice it yelled IM GONNA GET YOU! The boy ran for his life.

Later on, Treef grew up to coin the phrase *Jigsaw really is a good guy*