itsachat Writers Ave

Part 3: Long Way From Home

So there I am, laid over the back of the police car. A gun pointed at me and the demeanor of the little officer had went from suspicion to KILL!!! (or i thought so) Gina was layed out on the ground and Jim was laid on the other side of the car on the trunk too.
I can clearly remember my life up to that point flashing before me, I was dead and I just knew it. The officer steady told Gina and I if we moved one little bit he would not hesitate to shoot us, just because we were women, he did not give a damn! lol (there goes the trynna flirt my way outta that one!)
After all three of his suspects had been secured and he felt safe, he lined us up and sat us down on the ground up against the side of our car and put his gun back on his side while he radioed someone to come meet him there to transport female prisoners. PRISONERS *looks around* WHERE? OMFG he means ME!!! I am a ‘prisoner’ *cries*.
Well in what seemed to be an instant, A mini parade of flashing blue lights came flashing down the interstate and surrounded us like something out of a bank robbery in process movie you see on TV.
I can clearly remember that moment but the rest of the ride to the county Jailhouse was hazy. I know we were all 3 transported in different cars and when we got there we were booked and that took for ever. We were lined up against a wall, searched thoroughly again and then given these stinkin ass scratchy orange jumpsuits. Gina and I were escorted to a large storage room with a large female officer where we had to strip down to nothing and then they weren’t happy until we had been stripped of even our dignity by having to bend over and touch our toes while she shined a flash light on our asses and inspected it too fuckin close! Then we had to open our legs wide and squat down and cough 3 times while this bitch squats and shines a light on your pussy! I mean, KILL ME NOW! Any distinctive birthmarks , moles, tattoos were all photographed, and put in your file. Shoes were taken away and they gave us some buddy ass slip on shoes that were full of fungus I AM SURE!
Gina is a belligerent fucking idiot by now! I have to break it down to her right then and there, I am ALREADY in jail, what else can they do to me??? If you don’t shut the fuck up I WILL KILL YOU!
Well that was the last time i was able to see Jim, he was sent on back to the mens part of the Jail and put in the general population because he had a record of being on jail before, somethin simple DUI or somethin like that. Gina and I on the other hand were taken to the padded room for 2 days with nothing but a hole in the center of the GD floor about the size of a freakin grapefruit to piss in. Yes a hole! no toilet, a HOLE IN THE FLOOR! Toilet paper? Nope, I guess crazy folks have shown toilet paper to be a danger in the rubber room…………………….

< *******THE LETTER*******>

Dear Mr. Ashton Kutcher,

Hi. My names Sandy and I was wondering if you would, could, or may want to help me out. I had this great idea today and it was mostly because my great friend Christie linked me to an article that showed your blog and video of when you won the 1 million twitter viewers contest against CNN. Good going btw. Anyways, I dont want to keep you long since you dont know me and all so I will just get to the point  my idea.

Ever since I saw your Twitter CNN contest blog and your ideals that regular people can make their own media it got me to thinking. Since you like to punk people, I had this great idea where you could use itsachat.com (our site) to punk facebook.com (the mans site) and punk everyone in the world (or at least 1 million of your twitter twitchers) into thinking that itsachat.com is the new facebook.com!! What do you think? This would be the biggest, greatest punk of them all. This would make punking a celeb seem like chump change. This would plant you permanently into the Punk King throne of Ultra Supremity! You could do it Ashton, I know you could!

*crosses fingers* Thanks Ashton! You truly are the best!

Sincerely,

Lanfearinc

itsa logo

< *******END LETTER******/>
Christie told me about Ashton and his little contest to win more Twitter followers than CNN and if I had known about it earlier I may have even joined Twitter just to become one and help him against his race, but alas he didn’t need my single lonely little fan following but that’s okay because it all gave me this great idea.

Ashton’s angle was that regular people (yah that’s right, this God is calling himself regular) can compete with main stream media and make their own media. It’s an awesome concept. It’s an ideal that I fully and truly support. It’s a fantastic ideal, and he proved this can be done simply through his challenge to CNN regarding the Twitter followers.

I thought about taking this one step further and challenging Ashton myself because I really am a “regular” person and if his concept really works, then it should work for me as well =) So I challenge Ashton to make me (meaning itsa to of course) media KNOWN. Further to that, I wrote up this letter to him and I will post it here. I could only find these snail mail addresses for Ashton..

Ashton Kutcher
c/o Untitled Entertainment
Attn: Stephanie Simon
8436 W. 3rd St. #650
Los Angeles, CA 90048
USA

Ashton Kutcher
c/o Endeavor Agency
9601 Wilshire Blvd., 3rd Fl.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
USA

so I popped off a copy of the letter to those addresses. I suppose I will also join Twitter and find him there and see if there is a way to send him the letter that way as well. I’m hoping somehow, someway Ashton will get the opportunity to see this letter. This is the internets right?

youtube 9lp0IWv8QZY
and the crowd goes wild!!

they disabled this video =(

When Prom started her eHarmony blog (which i think is brilliant btw) i got curious about eHarmony and why i keep hearing about this website so much. I started googling it and here is a sort of summary of things i found out….eHarmony is the leading internet dating service of it’s kind, it is making a LOT of money, estimated to make well over 700,000,000 Dollars this year alone, they’ve been making comparable amounts since they started in 2000. They recently lost a lawsuit that was brought against them 4 years ago by a gay man in New Jersey because they discriminated against same sex relationships, eHarmony agreed to start a GAY COUPLES DATING SITE, here is a quote from the Baptist Press website “As part of the November settlement, eHarmony agreed to launch the website, advertise it in homosexual media and allow the first 10,000 users to register for free. The new website features pictures of men holding hands and women hugging and claims to be a “site for singles seeking a long-term, same-sex relationship.”

eHarmony has also been front page google celebrity news in the last few days since actress/singer Lindsey Lohan made a spoofy eHarmony profile video to poke fun at her own dramatic Paris Hilton type life style….here’s a link to that video http://news.google.com/news?hl=en&q=e+harmony+news&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=RJroSbGyEY60MY-X8eAF&sa=X&oi=news_group&ct=title&resnum=1

Considering that Lindsey was just in a lezbo relationship with Samantha Ronson (whose claim to fame is licking Lindsey and having actual famous people in her family) it’s a good thing that eHarmony has gone gay….hey gay people spend the same money that straight people do and eHarmony is cashing in big time! SEX SELLS and eHarmony and Lindsey Lohan know that for a fact.

We’ve all heard the stories about people hooking up through eHarmony for one night stands and we’ve all heard about the people who hooked up and got married and have kids now (which i guess is a happy ending) The main thing i feel like i learned about eHarmony was that it is a Christian based scientifically researched way for couples to match up personalities online and hey if they happen to make their projected 1,000,000,000 (billion) Dollar Profit Per Year while they are hooking people up, then that’s just proof of the validity of God’s plan for all of the adam and eves to exchange vows and make more little adam and eves. Except on their adam and steve website……just sayin.

REDNECK METH CHRONICLES
CHAPTER 2:Superbowl Sunday

I start coming to and i feel like every muscle in my body aches. I, still being mostly asleep and my eyes refusing to just pop open, realize that I am hurting all over and I am laying on what felt like the cold hard floor.A million and one WHAT THA HELLs are going on in my mind in a flash and I am instantly overtaken by the smell of urine and bad B.O.
I suddenly notice that what ever I am wearing is stiff and rough against my skin and smelled of lysol and dirty mop water. I began to stretch my body out and try to open my eyes. The shooting pain than ran through my brain as the memories of where i was suddenly flooded in……….I WAS IN FUCKING JAIL! Not just any Jail, but I was in jail in Sulpher Springs, Texas! A mighty long damn way from home!
I slowly raised myself off the floor as i began to remember how I came to be wearing this bright orange jumpsuit, and what fucking day was it? What time was it? I had NO windows, and wait a minute, It is dark in here and why am I on the floor? I start feeling around and I cant find a bed, toilet, sink, nothing! When i trip over something in the floor and land on my knees(just now realizing that I am in the GD rubber room!!) and I am not alone, I just tripped over SOMEBODY!
I can hear a womans voice moan and then began coughing and i realize i know her, it is Gina. She calls out to me and OMG like a ton of bricks I remember everything! She begins crying and screaming for me in the dark like a small child and I am trying to let my mind register what is happening to me and she is frantic. I remember they put us in the padded cell for suicide watch for the first 48 hours because whe had no previous record of time served.
There was someone else, Jim. Where the hell was Jimmy Lee?

We were all 3 arrested while on our way back from a ‘friends’ of his house in Dallas, where we purchased a half an ounce of cocaine for $200. Was a sweet lil deal, nothin this good nowhere back home in Mississippi around the little Joke we pratically lived at.
Meth was our thing, and that was exactly what we went all the way to Dallas for the Superbowl weekend for. We could swoop in pick it up and then be back home in time to PARTY!
Well, the meth connection was lost by the time we rolled into town, but they assured us that we would not leave Texas empty handed. LOL
And how true that was. We had coke, we were all Geeked up and headed home without even a nap or shower. MISSISSIPPI JUKE BOUND!
I drove all the way to Dallas so Jim said he would drive back most the way and Gina could drive some too if she felt like it. (Gina was a lil spazzy) I climbed in the back seat of the little Mercury Topaz and stretched out so I could have me a lil rest on the way home. The coke was some really good shit, and I didn’t really like it because it always mad me feel like my throat was numb and i thought i couldn’t breath. So after just one line, i didn’t want anymore, i wanted to sleep until we got home at least.
I was sleepin so, so. As best someone coming down off of cocaine could when i felt the car slowing down and Gina was screaming “OMG what do we do?” I was a bit confused when Jim said, “Just be kool Gina! You can’t just freak out as soon as they stop us!”
I sit up in the back seat and I hear the officer talkin to Jim as he had him at the back of the car asking about our ‘trip’ and as to where we went, why, when we left mississippi and why so quick, and on and on.
Gina was in the front seat shaking he legs making the whole GD car shake. That was the moment I KNEW! There was no doubt what was about to go down, so it all went by in a flash from there. The officer came and pecked on her window and she got out, he asked her to step back in and to just calm down(fuckin bitch!). He was shining the light all over the car and he seen her try and stuff Jims Jacket behind the seat and he asked, “You wanna hand me that jacket mam?”
Straight to the pocket to pull out the huge bag of ‘cotton candy!!!’
He draws his gun, tells us “OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!!” “DO NOT MOVE OR I WILL SHOOT YOU!”
OMFG how did I get here?………………………………………..

So I signed up, paid, and then eHarmony delivered me my initial 7 matches. I scanned, knit picked, and over analyzed (like that’s a shocker). This is a semi breakdown of the big 7.

1. Joseph, 23 from Colorado who is obviously out of my age range. They slipped him in! He looks more like a little brother material. He’s also an AT&T service rep which was a turn off. I have nothing for cell phone service people at the present time. haha
2. Joshua, 23 in business administration from Louisiana who is way too short at 5′ 2″ for my 5′ 9″ stature and also out of age range. I was kind of sad he was so short and young…I read his profile he seems very sincere and genuine. He’s diverse in music has OCD tendencies! You could also tell he is definitely a family man which struck me. He says “I’m passionate about becoming a great father and husband someday. I want to be able to give my kids and wife the world, and have a family built on trust and unconditional love for all.” Now that I type more about him I thinking twice about deleting him…hmm
3. Matt, 31, a company owner from Mississippi whose blue eyes awed me when I first saw his pic. He is a looker. Nothing about his profile stuck out…it was kind of just general. Seems to be a fishing, hunting, outdoorsy fellow. What disturbed me towards the end of his profile is that he reads Southern Living.
4. Daniel, 26, electrician from Mississippi. Once again nothing stuck out about this one. The deal breaker for me was when he said he cannot live without his hat, boots, truck, boat, and camo.
5. Bradley, 33, Mississippi who’s in insurance. Absolutely nothing desirable in his profile. It was not even half as long as the others profiles. The kicker here was his two pictures. There was a HUGE age difference in the two. He’s okay looking I suppose…blond hair, blue eyed type.
6. Kevin, 33, research and development from Mississippi. Picture, as superficial as it sounds, was the first turn off. He is a candidate for the “R” word. Haha. AND he also listed camo as one of his cannot live withouts!! WTH
7. Lastly there is Erik, 29, from Louisiana who is a soldier. He has a daughter who looks to be about 3 or 4. His information seems decent. Nothing really stuck out at me with him but he did initiate communication with me first so we’ll see.

Well those are the initial matches, the only ones eHarmony has found thus far.

As far as communication goes on the site, Erik communicated with me first by selecting 5 questions from a list and sending them to me. The answers were predetermined but there’s a section to type in a different answer if you desire. His five questions to me were:

1. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?
2. If you were to marry how many children would be ideal?
3. Which of the following quirks would bother you most about a partner?
4. How romantic are you?
5. If I had a bad day, what would be the first thing you’d do for me?

So after I replied I could send 5 questions of my choosing:

1. When in a relationship how much personal space do you usually need?
2. How would characterize the end of most of your romantic relationships?
3. Where would you want to go on a Saturday night?
4. How often do you find yourself laughing?
5. What are your body type preferences for a mate?

Most of his answers were pretty simple and laid back. The next step is for me to send him my lists of must-haves and can’t stands which I did. Stay tuned…