the pirate........................A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies 'Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off'.
The little boy then asks 'How did you lose your hand?' 'Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook'.
Next, the little girl asks 'How did you lose your eye?' 'Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye'.
The children, now thoroughly confused, ask 'How did that cause you to lose your eye?' The pirate explains 'Well, it was me first day with the hook'.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner'.
the bartender....................Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy'.
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year' said the shrink 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.
'How much do you charge?' Eighty dollars per visit' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck'.
'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now'
morning laugh.........................A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, 'I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?'
The girl says, 'I'll go first.' She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, 'I've never seen a display like that in my life.' He then turns to the young man and asks, 'Can you top that?'
The young man replies. 'No problem, just get that lion out of the way.'
morning laugh..............................A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa'. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says 'Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500'. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. 'Okay' says the lawyer 'your turn'. She asks 'What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?' The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his smartphone, connects to the inflight wi-fi and searches Google, Wikipedia and more ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails his friends and co-workers, tweets and posts it on Facebook to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks 'Well... what's the answer?' Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.