A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but 'Nescafe.' Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop.' Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Benson&Hedges'. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: 'Extra Long King Size.' She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: 'British Airways' Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.' (Mom fainted)
A young guy from Iowa moves to Florida and goes to a big ....'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Iowa .'
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
'How many customers bought something from you today?' The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, 'One'
The boss says 'Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in Iowa , but you're not on the farm anymore, son'
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), 'So how much was your one sale for?'
The kid looks up at his boss and says '$101,237.65'
The boss, astonished, says '$101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 X 4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?'
The kid said 'No, the guy actually came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Man, your weekend's shot; you might as well go fishing!'
the farmer..........................A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, 'Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, 'Why dont you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Hey, thanks!' the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. Well be there in no time.' The little old lady said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you wont hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' She replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket & and Ill hold the chickens.'
A blonde city girl, named Amy, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy: 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is, in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?' 'That's simple,' she said. 'By the nail that's over its stall,'she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile)
first time..................................I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, No, this is my first time. So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.*Well, come on, she said, We dont have much time. So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that condom on? she asked. I said, I sure did, and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted