it could have been worse..............................Angelo always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, 'It could have been worse.' To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Angelo could find no hope in it. In the bar one day, one of them said, 'Angelo, did you hear about Guido? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!' 'That`s awful,' said Angelo, 'But it could have been worse.' 'How in the name of Christ,' asked his angry friend, 'Could it have been worse?' Replied Angelo 'If it happened the night before, I`d be dead'.
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!' The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, 'OK.' 'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs. ' Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!' 'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
the kind hooker...................................A new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said 'Well, he was a big muscular, and handsome US Marine,'Well, what did he want to do?' they all asked. She replied 'I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much so I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, well, how much do you have? The Marine said that he only had 25 bucks' The new hooker told him 'Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand' He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, she told the other hookers 'He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand...' 'Oh my God!' they all exclaimed 'it must have been huge, Then what did you do?' 'I loaned him $75!' she said.
CHEAT DAY: Bob and his wife started dieting two weeks ago. His wife suggested they have a cheat day yesterday. She brought home McDonald's burger, KFC wings while Bob brought home his secretary. From his hospital bed today, Bob is still wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.