a good man............................An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, 'I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me.' With this being said he hands them all envelopes with $50,000 in them.
After his funeral the three are discussing the money. The doctor says, 'I have to confess something. I've really been wanting a vacation so I only threw $40,000 in.'
The priest follows, 'I must also confess. We are renovating the church so I only threw in $25,000. I feel terrible.'
The lawyer lashes out at them, 'You guys are terrible! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000.'
The doctor replies, 'Why in the world would you give that greedy man your money?'
The lawyer replies, 'He was a good man so I wrote him a check for the full amount.'
new sports car........................A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?' he asked.'Yes!' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.'Go and get help!' he cried. 'But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone'. 'Take my shoe', he said, 'and cover yourself.' Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!' The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, 'There's nothing I can do...he's in too far.'..
beautiful music.............................Jimmy is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie. He's excited and especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jimmy can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jimmy where he can go to see it. A month later, Jimmy puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding. The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverted porno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in every orifice... and most of the men too. Jimmy is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to the old couple and whispers 'I'm only here for the music' The woman turns to Jimmy and whispers back 'I understand, we're here to see our dog'.
An Irish couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says,'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner.'
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg,when a guy pulls up and asks 'How much?' She says,'A hundred dollars'. He replies,' All I got is thirty.'
She says, 'Hold on,' and runs back to the husband and asks. 'What now. What can he get for thirty? ' 'A hand job,' the husband replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says.'I'll be right back.......................... ..........'
She runs back to the husband. 'What's wrong?' he asks. 'Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?'