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kenny01

 
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About kenny01

kenny01
: women drivers......................................













This morning on the M1 near Wyong I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new Commodore.

Doing 120 km

With her Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

To continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
And I dropped

My electric shaver

Which knocked

The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Mobile Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers!
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kenny01
: [pic] bran flakes...............................The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day..'



Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said,
'You and your frickin' bran flakes! We could have been here ten years ago!!'

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kenny01
: deaf sex...............................

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate
in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around
and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea.
He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
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frogz
: Has given you:
The Awesome karma badge The Thank you karma badge
The Joker karma badge The Cheers karma badge
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kenny01
: fishing boat......................................A good ole Saskatchewan boy won a fishing boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, 'What the heck you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 75 miles of here.'

He says, 'I won it and I'm a gonna keep it.'

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says,'He's out there in his fishing boat', pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field of flax in full bloom. He yells out to him, 'What the heck are you doing?'

His brother replies 'I'm fishin. What the heck does it look like I'm a doing?'

His brother yells back,'It's guys like you that give people from Saskatchewan a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass.'
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kenny01
: North Dakota Bank
Robbery

A hooded robber burst
into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the
door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off,
revealing the
robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a
moments
hesitation.
He then looked around
the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight
at him.
The robber instantly
shot him also.

Everyone in the bank,
by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in
silence.
The robber yelled,
'Well, did anyone else see my face?' There are a few
moments of utter
silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old
Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised
his hand and said,
'My wife got a
pretty good look at you.'
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kenny01
: [pic] YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN PEOPLE UP NORTH GET BORED....................
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kenny01
: [pic] redneck 6 pac abs
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