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95
kenny01: ramblings of a retired mind I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age? I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'. When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!' Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance' I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car. The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...' Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
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900
Ninjathug: Has Updated their Status Message
only a ninja can sneak up on another ninja -Ninjathug
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95
kenny01: The Joy of Being Married
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
' Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________ __________ __________ __________
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
__________ __________ __________ __________
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy , how much does
it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________ __________ __________ __________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________ __________ __________ __________
Just think , if it weren't for marriage , men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all .
__________ __________ __________ __________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel !'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
A Woman's Prayer :
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man,
to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll just beat him to death!
__________ __________ __________ __________
NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their
nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only
the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of
the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and
says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end
of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, ' If you had put a rubber at the end
of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up ' .
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95
kenny01: A newly qualified Jamaican Doctor can't find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100'.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Dr:'Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth'
Lawyer: 'Ugh.. this is kerosene!'
Dr: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Dr: 'Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22 and put 3 drops in this man's mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste'
Dr:'Congrats. You got your memory back. Pay me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak.'
Dr: Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!'
Dr: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Pay me $20.'
Moral of this: You can’t beat a Jamaican ‘Samfie’ when it comes to money!
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95
kenny01: Three Newfies were working at the top of a phone tower:
As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, 'Well, shoot, someone's gotta go and tell Jim's wife.
Joe says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
John says, 'Where'd you get the beer, Joe?’
'Jim’s wife gave it to me,' Joe replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Joe says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Jim’s widow.'
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff
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95
kenny01: Sometimes humor comes in a coarse way- but its still funny.
You know, people complain about the RCMP, (Royal Canadian Mounted Police), But you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one:
Frozen Carburetor Incident:
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place. For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
'What's the matter?'asked the Policeman.
'Carburetor's frozen,' was the terse reply.
'Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.'
'I can't.' said the biker.
'OK, watch me closely and I'll show you.' The constable promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: 'On behalf of my daughter Joanne.....'
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95
kenny01: Size matters
Women's response to:
2 inches - I can't even hold it.
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches- I've had bigger than it.
5 inches- Good , but I wish a bit bigger!
6 inches - perfect.
7 inches - Love it.
8 inches - Wow ! But can’t have it all.
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of:
Subway Sandwiches!
But I love the way you think!… and this is why I worry about you ..
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95
kenny01: [pic] husband down A husband and wife are shopping in the local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?', asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife.
Further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
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95
kenny01: jokes that can be told in church
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the Devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was
running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes
dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon,
and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
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95
kenny01: 3 samurai
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.
'Demonstrate your skills!' commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
'What a feat!' said the Emperor.
'Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.'
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *swish! swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
'That is skill!' nodded the Emperor.
'How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?'
The Jewish Samurai, Schmuel Obi-wan Feinsilber, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.
But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment. The Emperor said, 'What kind of skill is that? The fly not even dead.'
'Dead?' replied the Jewish Samurai. 'Dead is easy. But circumcised?
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95
kenny01:
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
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132
frogz: [pic] View from backyard cabin. The stream bubbling while sleeping.
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1720
Lifeofsins: My Karma points clearly didn't use any sort of birth control while I was gone d:-P
[emo]7[/emo]
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95
kenny01:
The Female Urologist
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists, and in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I need to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'
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95
kenny01: The Jewish cab driver........
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped intoa taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened hiseyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attemptto start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, 'What's wrongwith you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a nakedwoman before?'
The old Jewish driver answered, 'Let me tell yousumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like youtink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.'
The drunk woman giggled and responded, 'Well, ifyou're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, whatare you doing then?'
He paused a moment, then told her...'Vell, M'am,I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinkingto myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keepingde money to pay for dis ride?
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95
kenny01: Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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121
spitzfire: Well I'll be posting my Cuba pix soon my friends cause I'm able to fully access my Spitz account from my phone now *applause for frogz* thanks dude your the bomb!!!
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132
frogz: [pic] I've seen clecko sleep in some awkward positions but this takes the cake.
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