Nineteen Newfoundlander go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks 'Why so many of you?' Buddy replies,'The film said 18 or over.'
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. So I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy. My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that! 2:30 am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes. The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, 'She's going through the change.' My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a Nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy, I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.' 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?' (You've gotta love this&.) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
kenny01: the pirate........................A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg. The pirate replies 'Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off'. The little boy then asks 'How did you lose your hand?' 'Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook'. Next, the little girl asks 'How did you lose your eye?' 'Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye'. The children, now thoroughly confused, ask 'How did that cause you to lose your eye?' The pirate explains 'Well, it was me first day with the hook'.