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95
kenny01: On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

'The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.' He continued,
'Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?'
An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:
'How much for a season pass ???
95
kenny01:

The Will
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and
knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in
place to record his last wishes, and when all is
ready he begins to speak:
'My son, Bernie,
I want you to take the Mayfair houses.'
'My daughter Sybil,
you take the apartments over in the east end.'
'My son, Jamie,
I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.'
'Sarah, my dear wife,
please take all the residential buildings on the banks
of the river.'


The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not
realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the
nurse says, 'Mrs. Smith, your husband must
have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all
this property'.
The wife replies, 'The a**hole had a paper route.'
95
kenny01:
The Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steves Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.



It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.



By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
95
kenny01: mike and his boat..................................Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!'
The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....

She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!'
95
kenny01: second opinion.............................
Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
95
kenny01: retirement bonus................................
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!', he suddenly exclaimed,
'Where are your testicles?'






The old Chief calmly replied,

' Vietnam '.
95
kenny01:
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family Pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited For you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl friend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no Idea you were this religious."'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist.'
more..