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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
Don't forget to put all your eggs in a row.... -lanfearinc
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95
kenny01:
A Pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The Pharmacist asks the clerk:
'What's with that guy over there by the wall?'
The clerk responds:'Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of Laxative.'
The pharmacist yells:
'You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!'
The clerk responds
Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough'.
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1720
Lifeofsins: So I just finished Poking and giving +1 to every new Post from Jan 1st till today and I don't even know why, One of those brain fart moments I guess ::laugh::
[emo]76[/emo]
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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
I think its time i started a ripple afghan blanket ..... -lanfearinc
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95
kenny01: A new phenomenon called
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
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1720
Lifeofsins: Has Updated their Status Message
>>>-----------200-------------->  -Lifeofsins
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95
kenny01: A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach'
The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'
'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what probably was making her sick.'
The younger doctor said 'Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'
'You've probably been doing too much for the Church,' the younger doctor told her.
'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well.
Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house.
I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.
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95
kenny01:
Logic From An Uncluttered Mind
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
O ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
T he children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher; she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
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95
kenny01: WOMEN ARE UNIQUE ....
Husband’s Message (by cellphone):
Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, ; but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who the hell is Paula??
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95
kenny01: After living in the remote countryside of Newfoundland all his life, an old
man decided it was time to visit St. Johns .
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Never having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder!'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly old bitch
he's running around wit !!'
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95
kenny01: The home phone rings and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says:
'I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.'
The woman replies:
'Yes, I do....he's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?'
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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
Happy April Fools day Everyone! Don't forget to send out a few pranks today ;P -lanfearinc
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95
kenny01: Chinese Sex
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not
use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US,
we know very little about it.
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.
The doctor answers, I'm sorry, but after confering with the other Doctors....
there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.
The man screams in horror, Absolutely not !
I want a second opinion!
The doctor replies, Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want ,
but surgery is your only option.
The next day, the man seeks out a 'Chinese' doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, Ah, yes, Mongolian
VD. Vewy ware disease.
The guy says to the doctor, Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!
Oh, thank God! I'm SOOOO glad I got a second opinion
the man exclaims.
Yes, says the Chinese doctor, Wait two week. Faw off by itself!
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95
kenny01: It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet
.
A doctor requested a 79 year old man get a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take the jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 79 year
old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this
,
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Alice, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing
.
The doctor was shocked
.
'You asked your neighbor ?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
Good Morning itsa!! Open your curtains and welcome the day!! -lanfearinc
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95
kenny01:
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So you all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did, he has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said,
'Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!'
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
'This is probably a waste of time, but...'
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said,
'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
' The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
'Well, Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses.'
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1720
Lifeofsins: just watch it d:-P
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuOBzWF0Aws
and
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B759dzymyoc
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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
One more day of work and then i get a long weekend Yippee!!  -lanfearinc
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