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95
kenny01: Ah, the JOY of aging !!!!!! An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' I love this one!Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember& Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' And One more. . ..! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool&After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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95
kenny01: Japanese Hotel Service An Australian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan .. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told himapologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yen, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.' The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... ....which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
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95
kenny01: Complete v finished No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world. Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction. The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: 'Some say there is no difference between complete and finished. Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.' Mr. Balgobins response:'When you marry the right woman, you are complete. If you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.' His answer received a five minute standing ovation
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95
kenny01: The Minister's Wife; Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, 'I'm sleeping with the ministers wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?' The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Minister gets annoyed, and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, 'I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your Wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied.' The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, 'Son. Youd better hurry home to your Wife.... * *
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95
kenny01: Lawyer Story A HEART-WARMING LAWYER STORY One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Curious, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?' 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied 'We have to eat grass.' 'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, the lawyer said'. 'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.' 'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You may come with us, also.' 'The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!' 'Bring them all as well. The more the better' the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you. ' The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.' Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story .. did you???
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95
kenny01: The Polite Way to Pee During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. c And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.
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95
kenny01: Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.' The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren'and *poof* she's gone. The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof* she's gone. The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..' St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asked. 'Sara Pipalini' replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says,'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.' The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, 'No Sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.' If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
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95
kenny01: An American stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking plate being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The American said, 'I will have the same please.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
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95
kenny01: ramblings of a retired mind I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age? I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'. When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!' Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance' I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car. The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...' Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
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900
Ninjathug: Has Updated their Status Message
only a ninja can sneak up on another ninja -Ninjathug
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95
kenny01: The Joy of Being Married
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
' Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________ __________ __________ __________
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
__________ __________ __________ __________
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy , how much does
it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________ __________ __________ __________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________ __________ __________ __________
Just think , if it weren't for marriage , men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all .
__________ __________ __________ __________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel !'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________ __________ __________ __________
A Woman's Prayer :
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man,
to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll just beat him to death!
__________ __________ __________ __________
NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their
nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only
the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of
the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and
says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end
of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, ' If you had put a rubber at the end
of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up ' .
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95
kenny01: A newly qualified Jamaican Doctor can't find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100'.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Dr:'Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth'
Lawyer: 'Ugh.. this is kerosene!'
Dr: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Dr: 'Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22 and put 3 drops in this man's mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste'
Dr:'Congrats. You got your memory back. Pay me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak.'
Dr: Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!'
Dr: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Pay me $20.'
Moral of this: You can’t beat a Jamaican ‘Samfie’ when it comes to money!
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95
kenny01: Three Newfies were working at the top of a phone tower:
As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, 'Well, shoot, someone's gotta go and tell Jim's wife.
Joe says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
John says, 'Where'd you get the beer, Joe?’
'Jim’s wife gave it to me,' Joe replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Joe says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Jim’s widow.'
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff
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95
kenny01: Sometimes humor comes in a coarse way- but its still funny.
You know, people complain about the RCMP, (Royal Canadian Mounted Police), But you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one:
Frozen Carburetor Incident:
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place. For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
'What's the matter?'asked the Policeman.
'Carburetor's frozen,' was the terse reply.
'Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.'
'I can't.' said the biker.
'OK, watch me closely and I'll show you.' The constable promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: 'On behalf of my daughter Joanne.....'
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95
kenny01: Size matters
Women's response to:
2 inches - I can't even hold it.
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches- I've had bigger than it.
5 inches- Good , but I wish a bit bigger!
6 inches - perfect.
7 inches - Love it.
8 inches - Wow ! But can’t have it all.
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of:
Subway Sandwiches!
But I love the way you think!… and this is why I worry about you ..
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95
kenny01: [pic] husband down A husband and wife are shopping in the local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?', asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife.
Further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
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95
kenny01: jokes that can be told in church
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the Devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was
running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes
dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon,
and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
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