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95
kenny01: Grins and Snickers
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said. 'We may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said, 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented, 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..'
Al said, 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' John said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said..
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is going to poison me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says'I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, 'Yes' and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison.'
points
Comment
1720
Lifeofsins: A friend just showed me this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jidziKYG9jk
Not too shabby
points
Comment
95
kenny01:
Logic From An Uncluttered Mind
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
O ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
T he children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher; she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
points
Comment
95
kenny01:
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?!' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in- law
answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,' she explained.'
It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?
points
Comment
3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
Don't forget to put all your eggs in a row.... -lanfearinc
points
Comment
95
kenny01:
A Pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The Pharmacist asks the clerk:
'What's with that guy over there by the wall?'
The clerk responds:'Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of Laxative.'
The pharmacist yells:
'You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!'
The clerk responds
Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough'.
points
Comment
1720
Lifeofsins: So I just finished Poking and giving +1 to every new Post from Jan 1st till today and I don't even know why, One of those brain fart moments I guess ::laugh::
[emo]76[/emo]
points
Comment
3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
I think its time i started a ripple afghan blanket ..... -lanfearinc
points
Comment
95
kenny01: A new phenomenon called
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
points
Comment
95
kenny01: A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach'
The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'
'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what probably was making her sick.'
The younger doctor said 'Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'
'You've probably been doing too much for the Church,' the younger doctor told her.
'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well.
Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house.
I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.
points
Comment
95
kenny01:
Logic From An Uncluttered Mind
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
O ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
T he children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher; she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
points
Comment
95
kenny01: WOMEN ARE UNIQUE ....
Husband’s Message (by cellphone):
Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, ; but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who the hell is Paula??
points
Comment
95
kenny01: After living in the remote countryside of Newfoundland all his life, an old
man decided it was time to visit St. Johns .
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Never having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder!'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly old bitch
he's running around wit !!'
points
Comment
95
kenny01: The home phone rings and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says:
'I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.'
The woman replies:
'Yes, I do....he's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?'
points
Comment
3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
Happy April Fools day Everyone! Don't forget to send out a few pranks today ;P -lanfearinc
points
Comment
95
kenny01: Chinese Sex
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not
use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US,
we know very little about it.
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.
The doctor answers, I'm sorry, but after confering with the other Doctors....
there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.
The man screams in horror, Absolutely not !
I want a second opinion!
The doctor replies, Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want ,
but surgery is your only option.
The next day, the man seeks out a 'Chinese' doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, Ah, yes, Mongolian
VD. Vewy ware disease.
The guy says to the doctor, Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!
Oh, thank God! I'm SOOOO glad I got a second opinion
the man exclaims.
Yes, says the Chinese doctor, Wait two week. Faw off by itself!
points
Comment