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95
kenny01: A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife said, ' Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions.'
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95
kenny01: PRESENTLY, I AM TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF,,' FACEBOOK'..... WHILE APPLYING THE SAME PRINCIPLES.
THEREFORE EVERY DAY, I GO DOWN ON THE STREET AND TELL THE PASSERBY WHAT I HAVE EATEN, HOW I FEEL ,WHAT I HAVE DONE THE NIGHT BEFORE, AND WHAT I WILL DO AFTER, I GIVE THEM PICTURES OF MY FAMILY, MY DOG AND ME GARDENING AND SPENDING TIME IN MY POOL.
I ALSO LISTEN TO THEIR CONVERSATIONS AND I TELL THEM I LOVE THEM.
AND IT WORKS : I ALREADY HAVE 3 PERSONS FOLLOWING ME : 2 POLICE OFFICERS AND A PSYCHIATRIST.
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95
kenny01:
silly jokes
After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear.. 'That's me before the surgery.'
************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
***********************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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95
kenny01: Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.
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132
frogz: Has Updated their Status Message
Well at least the snow keeps the grass from growing, momentarily. -frogz
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95
kenny01: Nicoderm
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed
to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'
***IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!
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95
kenny01: east meet west
According to the latest scientific data, on average, a European man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
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95
kenny01:
Magic Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
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95
kenny01:
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes....when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes....when you are in pain....
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes....when you are worried....
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes....when you are happy....
no one sees your smile.
-
But FART !! just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody notices!!
And You thought this was going to be one of those
heart-touching stories!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!!
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95
kenny01: rum and coke A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust.....
'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.'
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95
kenny01: A new phenomenon called
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
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95
kenny01: Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift.
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a driver’s license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having money.
At age 70 success is having sex.
At age 80 success is having a driver’s license.
At age 85 success is having friends.
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
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132
frogz: Has Updated their Status Message
Almost time for the PacMan to dole out some sweet, sweet Justice! -frogz
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95
kenny01:
House of ill repute....
See if you can work this out:
There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the
bottom of the hill.
There were four men .
One was walking briskly up the hill;
One was inside the brothel;
One was walking slowly down the hill;
The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.
What were the nationalities of the four men?
s c r o l l d o w n
The man going up the hill: was Rushin
The man in the brothel: Him-a-layin
The man walking down the hill: was Finish
Now wait for it ...
Ya gonna love this
............................................
The man in the car at the bottom was a Newfie, and he was waiting for the
light to turn green!
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95
kenny01: The Church Lady The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said: 'Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?'
'Why yes, that would be nice', the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finestrestaurant in that part of South Carolina . When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: 'Would you like a cocktail before dinner?'
'Oh, no,' said the fine example of southern womanhood. 'Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?'
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't saymuch until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:'Would you like a smoke?'
'Oh my goodness no,' said the woman. 'I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did !'
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the localHoliday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: 'Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?'
'Sure, that would be nice,' she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: 'What the hell have I done?'
He shook her awake and pleaded, 'I've got to ask you onething, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?'
The lady said: 'The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'
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95
kenny01: A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times:
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said 'are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, 'I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.' The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.'
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95
kenny01: A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive More than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see Yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get The hell out of here!'
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95
kenny01: If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
Are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs..................
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Piss on it and walk away
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