An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a Nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy, I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.' 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?' (You've gotta love this&.) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
kenny01: the pirate........................A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg. The pirate replies 'Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off'. The little boy then asks 'How did you lose your hand?' 'Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook'. Next, the little girl asks 'How did you lose your eye?' 'Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye'. The children, now thoroughly confused, ask 'How did that cause you to lose your eye?' The pirate explains 'Well, it was me first day with the hook'.
kenny01: the bartender....................Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy'. 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year' said the shrink 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'. 'How much do you charge?' Eighty dollars per visit' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck'. 'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now' It's always better to get a second opinion.