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kenny01: Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!
Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shook her head no.
Then he asked, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.
The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth.
As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.
His partner said,'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'
kenny01: Love the Irish
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare , to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. 'T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,' he said 'The wife says it's okay.
'I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes.'...................
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow
that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a
bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men
for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, 'I never
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years.'
Apparently, I'm still's a man thing.
Lifeofsins: @Nackkers81
You can direct Messages to other itsachat members wall by using @user. You can send more than one Message at a time by separating @user with a comma, no spaces. e.g: @user,@user,@user
hope that helps :)
kenny01: LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mummy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'And she turned into a telephone pole!'
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
A Sunday school teacher said to her children,'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?'his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mum, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
kenny01: [pic] Thought you should know that the book, 'Understanding Women', is now out in paperback.
On the subject of
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
lanfearinc: [pic] I made this pillow case for my sister sash.. and look! clecko was running around and got in the pic lol. i just noticed this hahahah.. crazy lizard
kenny01: Two little boys, Tom and Danny, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their Mom knows if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent Danny in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
'Do you know where God is, son?'
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
'Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'WHERE IS GOD?!'
The boy screamed bolted from the room, ran directly home dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
'What happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
'We are in BIG trouble this time!'
'GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!'
kenny01: A gardening woman loved growing
tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman
neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,'What do you do to get
your tomatoes so red?'
The gentlemen responded, 'Well, twice a day I stand in
front of my tomato Garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My
tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.'
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing
the same thing to Her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping
for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
'By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?'
'No', she replied, 'but my cucumbers are enormous.'
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
starting a week of holidays.. today is day 1~~ yippeeee -lanfearinc
Irish Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said,
'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said,
'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night..'
Murph said,
'I'll tell you,'s a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
mierin: Summer is now over. Id like to thank everyone who applied for a friendship and let you know your application is now being processed.
kenny01: A Man went the doctors office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented saying,
'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning
so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up'.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
kenny01: MEN'S LOGIC .....
A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband
walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while
she labored away, she snapped, 'I can't believe you're asking me about
supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic
bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked,
'Where's my plate?'
'Huh? I thought you were out of town,' he replied.