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kenny01: Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the
Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'HERE'S WHAT YOU DO,' SAID THE DOCTOR, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a Response.'
THAT EVENING, THE WIFE IS IN THE KITCHEN cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself,
'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
SO THE HUSBAND MOVES CLOSER TO THE KITCHEN, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
NEXT HE MOVES INTO THE DINING ROOM WHERE HE is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks,
'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
SO, HE WALKS UP TO THE KITCHEN DOOR, ABOUT 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered .. . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo
that read . . . 'Keep off the grass. '
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . ..
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name...
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being
a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.'
Little Johnny meets Justin Trudeau ...
Justin Trudeau was visiting a primary school in Lanark and visited a
grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Trudeau if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Party Leader asked the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,
that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Trudeau, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Trudeau. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trudeau searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Trudeau was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
'Fantastic!'exclaimed Trudeau, 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be
an accident either!'
The teacher left the room..
kenny01: Woman Shot In Her Own Driveway
Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of Toronto was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Liberal, and a Trudeau supporter... but that could all be a coincidence.
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on
the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the
midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped. John,
desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the
car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind
the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere
through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with
terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched
or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear
down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and
ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started
telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...
And wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in
from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked
and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing
at the bar, one said to the other.... Look
Paddy....there's that frigging idiot that
got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
Polish Pickle Worker
Stash worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a
powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help
from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy,
however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Stash to go
ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of
mind. The next day Stash came home from work very early. His wife,
Zosia, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
For the first time, Stash tearfully confessed to her his tormenting
desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain
that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately
Zosia gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his
pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis. She
looked up and said, 'I don't understand. What about the pickle
Stash replied, 'I think she got fired, too.'
frogz: My honey is making garlic shrimp tonight. I remember as a kid my dad would take me to a small raw bar and buy lbs of steamed shrimp.
I love seafood.
Lifeofsins: So I had refused to buy an external Hdd till we got 5tb, well Finally 100 years later they are here and coz of my gopro now I actually need a External Hdd so hopefully some time tomorrow I get me a 5tb external o,O