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Lifeofsins: Ok People Its the Season to be Jolly So if you are reading this Visit my Wall leave a message, I don't care what the message says even if you just say Hi, no offensive stuff obviously, and when I read it next Ill give you some Karma Points so you can buy badges :) [emo]8[/emo]
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95
kenny01: [pic] EVEN AN OLD MARINE CAN LEARN … Something New.
During a commercial airline flight an old experienced Marine was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The Marine pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his
assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the Marine responded,
'Gosh, that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!'
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time
spent on the breast would help alleviate pressure in the baby’s ears. The Marine
sadly shook his head, and in true Marine fashion exclaimed
'And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.'
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95
kenny01: Points to Ponder
Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes make him a sandwich.
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months,
maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take antidepressants to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of chilli chutney. What you enjoy today might burn your butt tomorrow
.…and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long....
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95
kenny01: [pic]
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,
'SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?'
THE OLD FARMER SAID,
'THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.'
'I'M SORRY SIR,' SAID THE TICKET AGENT
'WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE.'
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO
TWO OLD WIDOWS
NAMED ETHEL & MILDRED.
THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .. ..
THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
'ETHEL', WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WHAT?' SAID ETHEL.
'I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT.'
'WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?' ASKED ETHEL?
'HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND
HE HAS HIS THING OUT', WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT', SAID ETHEL..
'AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL'
'I THOUGHT SO TOO', SAID MILDRED,
'But this one is
EATIN' MY POPCORN...!'
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,
'SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?'
THE OLD FARMER SAID,
'THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.'
'I'M SORRY SIR,' SAID THE TICKET AGENT
'WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE.'
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO
TWO OLD WIDOWS
NAMED ETHEL & MILDRED.
THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .. ..
THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
'ETHEL', WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WHAT?' SAID ETHEL.
'I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT.'
'WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?' ASKED ETHEL?
'HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND
HE HAS HIS THING OUT', WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT', SAID ETHEL..
'AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL'
'I THOUGHT SO TOO', SAID MILDRED,
'But this one is
EATIN' MY POPCORN...!'
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95
kenny01:
A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks
" Wit all dem lawsuits going on I'm feelin ' kinda left out,
How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears that people are suing
The cigarette companies 'cause they got
Cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause
They got themselves fat and all kinds of stuff'!!
His lawyer asks 'And which one of those categories do you fit under?'
The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers.....
'Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's Beer for all
Dem ugly women I woke up wit...
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95
kenny01: Smile of the day...
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh...
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
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95
kenny01: Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Full gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables
I looked like a idiot on the bus this morning.
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