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95
kenny01: [pic] Thought you should know that the book, 'Understanding Women', is now out in paperback.
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95
kenny01:
On the subject of
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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3
lanfearinc: [pic] I made this pillow case for my sister sash.. and look! clecko was running around and got in the pic lol. i just noticed this hahahah.. crazy lizard
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95
kenny01: Two little boys, Tom and Danny, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their Mom knows if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent Danny in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
'Do you know where God is, son?'
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
'Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'WHERE IS GOD?!'
The boy screamed bolted from the room, ran directly home dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
'What happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
'We are in BIG trouble this time!'
'GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!'
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95
kenny01: A gardening woman loved growing
tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman
neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,'What do you do to get
your tomatoes so red?'
The gentlemen responded, 'Well, twice a day I stand in
front of my tomato Garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My
tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.'
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing
the same thing to Her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping
for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
'By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?'
'No', she replied, 'but my cucumbers are enormous.'
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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
starting a week of holidays.. today is day 1~~ yippeeee -lanfearinc
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95
kenny01:
Irish Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said,
'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said,
'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night..'
Murph said,
'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
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6
mierin: Summer is now over. Id like to thank everyone who applied for a friendship and let you know your application is now being processed.
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95
kenny01: A Man went the doctors office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented saying,
'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning
so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up'.
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95
kenny01:
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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95
kenny01: MEN'S LOGIC .....
A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband
walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while
she labored away, she snapped, 'I can't believe you're asking me about
supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner
yourself!'
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic
bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked,
'Where's my plate?'
'Huh? I thought you were out of town,' he replied.
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95
kenny01: An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last
breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that
he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.
It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.
BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic
Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat,
side curls, and tzitzis.
'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'
'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!'
'Vott you got to lose? Looks at me - you're a goner anyvay!'
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie
was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'
* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever
seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'
'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
* * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
Rare old coins and precious gems.
'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that
No matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'
* * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's
going to be a string attached!
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95
kenny01: New crop of idiots
Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America .
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40 .
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs .
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy. But you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Six Idiot
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'; When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign. ( Must have been Wolverine football players.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Seven Idiot
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Eight Idiot
I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: ' Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Take the sign - Please!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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1720
Lifeofsins: @frogz
New ItsaMail presented a certificate issue which gives you one of those unsafe warnings, not sure if its just me so I thought I should let you know :)
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95
kenny01: Most of our generation were home schooled in many ways:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!'
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My father taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll really give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
12 My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
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95
kenny01: An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about
a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around
his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African String-
and-Weight procedure?'
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked, 'How is our little Tribal Experiment
coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,'he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, it's turned black.'
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95
kenny01: Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the
body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'Because I circulate
oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,'Because I process
food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body
to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm
responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
..
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge
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