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95
kenny01: Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Oxygen ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
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95
kenny01:
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards......forwards then backwards......back and forth.........back and forth........in and out.........in and out.
Her heart was now pounding faster, her face flushed as she moaned, softly at first........then she began to groan louder! Finally.....totally exhausted she let out an almighty scream!!!
'Ok, Ok! I can't park the f**kin car! You do it you smug ba**ard'
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95
kenny01: God Said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me.'
Adam
Said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'
God
Said, 'Go down
Into that Valley.'
Adam said, 'What's
A valley?'
God explained it to him.
Then
God said,
'Cross the
River.'
Adam
said, 'What's a
River?'
God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the
Hill......'
Adam said,'What is a
Hill?'
So,
God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave..'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
He Said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you To
Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do
I do That?'
God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then,
Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as Well.
So, Adam goes down
Into
The valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, Into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in
About five minutes, he was back.
God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
It NOW?'
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a Headache?'
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Comment
95
kenny01: Why parents drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. '
'Hello ?'
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
’May I talk with him?'
The child whispered , ' No .'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
‘Yes she's out in the garden too’
‘The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again the ‘No’ .
'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, He's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME
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95
kenny01:
Golf Streaker
Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at the golf course in Hampton, New Brunswick when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood.
The first lady says, 'Well he definitely is not my Husband.'
The second lady looks at his manhood and says, 'He for sure is not my Husband.'
The third lady takes a good long look and says. ' He's not even a member of this club'.
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1720
Lifeofsins: [pic] Party hard, Get wasted, do everything I wouldn't do or haven't done yet and crawl home at the end of the night
Happy New Years
Be safe All
points
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95
kenny01: A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your Mom', she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
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95
kenny01:
Instead of a wish list this might be considered observations on/of life at a certain age.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... 'I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.'
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have 'wisdom highlights'. I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me 'plz' which is shorter than please. I text back 'no' which is shorter than 'yes'.
I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from 'We the people' to 'screw the people'?
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age'Getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
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1720
Lifeofsins: Ok People Its the Season to be Jolly So if you are reading this Visit my Wall leave a message, I don't care what the message says even if you just say Hi, no offensive stuff obviously, and when I read it next Ill give you some Karma Points so you can buy badges :) [emo]8[/emo]
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95
kenny01: [pic] EVEN AN OLD MARINE CAN LEARN … Something New.
During a commercial airline flight an old experienced Marine was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The Marine pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his
assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the Marine responded,
'Gosh, that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!'
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time
spent on the breast would help alleviate pressure in the baby’s ears. The Marine
sadly shook his head, and in true Marine fashion exclaimed
'And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.'
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