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95
kenny01:
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
wake up froggy!! its time to go to work!!! :P -lanfearinc
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95
kenny01:
'ATTA GIRL.........
A blonde city girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Judy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple.' she said. 'By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
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95
kenny01: [pic] I Found It! Somehow you just
always knew it was out there
somewhere. Don’t forget your paddle
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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
almost moved into the new place.... seriously.. moving is NOT fun i was totally being sarcastic last status message -lanfearinc
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95
kenny01: Is We Kin?
Two good ol' boys in a Arkansas trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the WalMart.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,
'If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking
real hard about the question. Finally, he says,
'Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!'
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1720
Lifeofsins: @frogz,@lanfearinc
Hey guys its been forever and a bit
hope all is going well
haven't come across any new itsa glitches in a long while which is great but at the same time scary d:-P
just thought I would stick my head out and say Hey :)
[emo]14[/emo]
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95
kenny01:
Grandma & Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.
The son said, 'I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive.'
'How much?' asked Grandpa.
'$10 a pill,' answered the son.
'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like
to try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'
Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, 'I told
you each pill was $10, not $110. '
'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The
hundred is from Grandma. '
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95
kenny01: The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.
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95
kenny01: A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?'
The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not.' The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'
'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.'
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95
kenny01: She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, 'Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream ?
'No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.'
'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, 'Mum, Spot is dead.'
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called her doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,'Everything will be okay now,'and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,'I can't believe that guy'
'What guy ?'
'You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down'.
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95
kenny01: [pic] I Fixed the Gutter, Honey
SOME PEOPLE ARE TOO CREATIVE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD---
TODAY MY WIFE SAID. "HONEY, FIX THAT GUTTER DOWNSPOUT!
' WELL, AS
YOU ALL KNOW, I'M RETIRED.
I INVITED SOME OF MY BUDDIES OVER. ONE BROUGHT HIS
WELDER. TOOK US ABOUT 4 HOURS, AND 30 BEERS, BUT WE GOT THE
DOWNSPOUT FIXED AND MY WELDER BUDDY GAVE IT AN ARTISTIC
FLAIR. WIFE IS SPEECHLESS...I CANNOT WAIT FOR IT TO RAIN AGAIN.
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3
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
Summer is here!! yippeeeee *turns on the AC* -lanfearinc
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