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95
kenny01: Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: WD-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The WD-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old tired looking employee and said, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'
The produce guy looked at me and said, 'No. You'll have to do that yourself.'
95
kenny01: [pic] Great comeback

Two businessmen in the centre of Maroochydore, Queensland, Australia
were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to
walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
'You know these senior citizens are such nosy parkers'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,
had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
'What are you selling here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
'Must be doing well then... only two left.'
95
kenny01:
A Saskatchewan Love Story


A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away.
She protested, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He replied, 'That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a
very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up, took off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three
rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the
water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay
down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so
fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly
be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in
freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy.

He said,
'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Prince Albert and I worked both sides of the
river.'
95
kenny01: another year gone.........................




Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And while the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!
95
kenny01: [pic] The wood-piling artists are getting very creative. I love how this one uses old wooden wheels
to give their work an extra interesting element.
95
kenny01: [pic] Amazing how people discover ways to turn a boring chore into art! But after all that work, I would have great trouble using the wood.
95
kenny01:

Arranged marriages

I told my son, 'you will marry the girl I choose.'


He said, 'no.'

I told him, 'she is Bill Gates daughter.'

He said, ' ok,yes.'

I called Bill Gates and said, 'I want your daughter
to marry my son,'

Bill Gates said, 'no'

I told Bill Gates, 'my son is the C.E.O. of the World Bank.'

Bill Gates said, 'well, then it is ok'

I called the president of world bank and asked him to
make my son the C.E.O.

He said, 'no'
I told him, 'my son is Bill Gates son-in-law.
He said,'ok, let us drink to that'

This is exactly how politics works...
95
kenny01: [pic] Sexy phone call





Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert breathing heavily, says...,
'I bet you have a real tight ass with no hair!'
Woman replies..., 'Why yes I do... he's watching golf 
Who shall I say is calling?'
95
kenny01: A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
95
kenny01:
Male logic... flawless

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite
simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out
there:
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a
day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it
would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct.
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didnt drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings
account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?
more..