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kenny01: Mike walks into a bar in St. John's and sees Dave sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.
Mike says, 'Dave, what are you so happy for?'
'Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxing me boat, just waxing me boat, and a redhead came up to me. Tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in me boat.' So I took her way out in the harbor, Mike. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!'
The next day Mike walks into the same bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, 'What are you happy about today Dave?' 'Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing me boat, just waxing me boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in me boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Mike walks into the bar again and sees Dave crying over a beer.
Mike says, 'Dave, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Mike, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxing me boat, just waxing me boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in me boat. So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... Much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....
THUNDERIN' JESUS ! ! She had a pecker, Mike!
She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim Mike! .........I can't fockin' swim!'
Nooby: I am a new owner of a Nintendo system for 20 dollars.
Thank you very much.
kenny01: DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the
Shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly
On the shampoo label is this warning,
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start
Showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. Its label reads,
Did you know this? I didn’t.
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
'OH!!! Limp pricks!!!'
Over the next two and a half millenniums, those words morphed into 'Olympics'.
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
You're very welcome...
No need to thank me.
This is your history lesson for today, and... you won't hear this on NBC anytime soon!
kenny01: Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at
night. So, I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got a problem; every time I go to
bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me
three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later, the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that
money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.'
'Is that so,' he said with a bit of an attitude, 'and how, may I ask, did
a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.'
Always get your second opinions from a bartender!
A dog lover whose dog was a female and 'in heat', agreed to look
after her
neighbour's' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had
a large
house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However,
as she
was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds, and
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain
unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs 'do it'.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,
although it
was late, she phoned the vet, who answered in a very grumpy and
angered voice.
Having heard the problem explained to him, the vet said, 'Hang up
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will call you back and
noise of the ringing will startle the male dog, quickly causing him
loose his erection, and he will withdraw very quickly.'
'Do you really think that will work?' she asked.
'It just worked for me,' he replied.
Lifeofsins: If anyone Is a Pro with Microsoft Excell and formulas and data entry let me know as I'm stuck atm and need a push in the right direction as I dont have a clue wtf i am really doing just winging it d:-P
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
wake up froggy!! its time to go to work!!! :P -lanfearinc
'ATTA GIRL.........
A blonde city girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Judy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple.' she said. 'By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
kenny01: [pic] I Found It! Somehow you just
always knew it was out there
somewhere. Don’t forget your paddle
lanfearinc: Has Updated their Status Message
almost moved into the new place.... seriously.. moving is NOT fun i was totally being sarcastic last status message -lanfearinc
kenny01: Is We Kin?
Two good ol' boys in a Arkansas trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the WalMart.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,
'If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking
real hard about the question. Finally, he says,
'Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!'