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95
kenny01:
.What a coincidence!
.
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of
champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just
ordered champagne
too!'
'What a coincidence' the
farmer said. 'This is a
special day for me. I'm
celebrating.'
This is a special day for
me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said
the farmer. As they
clinked glasses he added: 'What are you
celebrating?'
'My husband and I have
been trying to have a child
and today my gynecologist told me that I am
pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said
the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but
today they are all
laying eggs again.'
'That's great!'
said
the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,'
he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked
his glass and said 'What a
coincidence!'
95
kenny01: MEN JOKES




A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' GO GATORS !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........
......then He made the earth round.
------------
95
kenny01: Religious Humor


The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are now packed to the balcony!!'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.
;However,' said the elderly priest, 'I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father , protested the young priest, 'the confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,' just can't stay on the church roof.
95
kenny01: friday night................................................Each Friday night after work, sun, snow, or rain, Jack, being from Newfoundland, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jacks neighbours were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: 'You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.'

Jacks neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jacks yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a codfish........
95
kenny01:
Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous....

· If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

· I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once .

· If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

· Take my advice  I'm not using it.

· Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

· Ever stop to think and forget to start again ?

· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

· He who laughs last thinks slowest.

· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly ?

· Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

· If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

· If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie ?

· Money is the root of all wealth.

· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
95
kenny01: the phone call..................................Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the
hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else
in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes.'

WOMAN: 'I'm at the shops now and
found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it
that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and
saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000.'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to
Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
eighty-thousand if it's what you really want.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks,
'Anyone know whose phone this is?'
95
kenny01: Mexican Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'




The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
95
kenny01: figure of speech...........................................
Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous....

· If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

· I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once .

· If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

· Take my advice  I'm not using it.

· Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

· Ever stop to think and forget to start again ?

· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

· He who laughs last thinks slowest.

· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly ?

· Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

· If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

· If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie ?

· Money is the root of all wealth.

· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
95
kenny01:
Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and
protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close
relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with
the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:



Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
95
kenny01: military man........................A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!' She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'


(Gotta love military time!)
95
kenny01: [pic] Catholics...











Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'.'
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Grace'.'
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says
'Your Eminence'.'
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Holiness'.'
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, 'Well....?'
She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,

SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24'WAIST and
34' HIPS


When she walks into a room, people say,
'JESUS'
more..